Crumbs and Cookies
by clockstopper
Summary: Why was Spike laughing when he died?What really happened down in Buffy's basement on the last night?Short one time fic about how Spike viewed his life right before he died.Follow his thoughts about his not so crumby afterlife to his ultimate death.Spuffy


Disclaimer: I don't own these characters. If I did Riley would have died a horrible death or caught something from those vampire whores, Angel would be bald, and Spike would be my own personal slave and he would have never died. Everything goes to the Evil Genius Joss Whedon.  
  
Distribution: Go ahead always ask first though  
  
Spoilers: spoilers for the series finale (the really one and the one on the WB) and most of the time when Spike was around. Seasons 2 and seasons 4-7 and Lover's Walk during season 3.  
  
A/N: Hey there readers. This is a short one-time fic. It delves into Spike's life around Buffy. Most of the time he was around. It's his thoughts as he thinks back on his life before dying in the series finale. The only thing different here is that Spike heard Buffy's cookie analogy. So read and review.  
  
Changes can make people wonky. Oh bloody hell I'm starting to sound like her! That wouldn't be so bad if she didn't butcher the English language. She really is insufferable some times. Oi! Where was I? Oh yeah I was actually tryin' ta form a coherent thought that didn't revolve around Buffy. Changes! That's right changes. My hundred plus years on this world and I've come up wif' the conclusion that people change. Okay so I've said before I don't 'ave a reputation for bein' a thinker.  
  
Anyway I was on ta somethin'. People change. S'not really the firs' time thas' been discovered, but 's sorta a new for me I guess. I wasn't sure that vampires could change. Bloody hell if the old me could see me now. He'd prolly dust me on the spot. In love wif' the slayer! Got a bleeding soul for Christ's sakes. Some times I think that maybe I'm a bigger poof than Peaches. No, that could never happen.  
  
Perhaps my predicament is all his fault to begin with. If he had never turned inta Angelus again none of this would 'ave happened. Of course it was her fault for turnin' him inta Angelus again, but let's not go inta the details. Maybe then Dru would still be wif' me.  
  
Is that what you really want?  
  
Damn it! Yeah sometimes. okay not anymore, but if it had played out that way I wouldn't be a disgrace. I would 'ave never helped her in the firs' place. If Angelus hadn't been let off of his leash and decided ta end the world I wouldn't be 'ere. I'd still be wif' Dru. I would never 'ave made a deal wif' the slayer. Thas' what Dru said changed everythin'. That she was floating all around me, makin' me pink and such.  
  
Huh, the loon was actually right. Who knew? Still stung when she left me for the Chaos Demon. Bloody ugly things those brutes are. So I came back 'ere. Ta kidnap Red and the Whelp, so the lil' witch could do a spell. That turned out all wrong, but I gained some insight. Dru still didn't take me back. So again I made another trip ta Sunnyhell. This time I had every intention of killin' the Slayer wif' the Gem of Amoara. Nope I was unsuccessful. Couldn't even get the ring from the Poof. So again I went back.  
  
Thas' why I thought change was impossible. I kept comin' back for more. Then the whole chip fiasco. Made me a neutered vamp and all I could do was side up wif' the slayer. I could only hit demons and that made me even more of a disgrace. Spells and Indians later I became a bloody lackey for some big demon who promised ta get the chip out. Well he wasn't really a demon, at least not all of him.  
  
She defeated him though. Don't the good guys always seem to win? Then thas' when I realized 's either beat 'em or join 'em and the day I beat them would be a very cold day in hell. So joining was inevitable to stay alive. Kept me in blood and booze. I was a snitch and I didn't mind. Got money outta the deal. Then that painful day.  
  
The day I realized I was in love wif' the Slayer. My mortal enemy and total opposite. She was still with Captain Cardboard, but that wasn't ta last long. Solider boy got his rocks off by gettin' sucked on by vampire whores. So after that I try to swoop in and it turned inta fallin'. What results do you expect to get when you tie someone up ta a wall? Of course there was no love. Bloody git that I am even offered ta dust Dru.  
  
So the whole thin' was a no go. Even so I had an obsession that wouldn't quit. Robots and snake demons later, I was let in somewhat. Fashion victim Hell Bitches wif' too much hair dye was on the agenda of thins' to be slain. Was after the Bit. Oh did I forget ta mention that the Slayer had lil' sis' who wasn't real 'til a lil' while ago. Yup, she was made from mystical energy. Monks think they know everythin'. So it was at that point where we had ta run.  
  
Runnin' didn't help though. Buffy accidentally brought the Hell Bitch to us. Bitch was half guy or somethin' ta that affect. So the Bit was captured and it was time ta go in. I promised ta take care of Nibblet 'til the end of the world jus' in case anythin' happened ta her. I didn't think that was possible. She's the Slayer for Christ's sakes. But somethin' did happen. She died. I had failed her. If I had done somethin' different, been faster, maybe somethin' would 'ave changed. But it worked out the way it did and there was no changin' it. Didn't stop me from havin' a small breakdown when I saw her body all broken and cold. But I had ta keep goin'. Had ta keep a promise.  
  
So I watched after the Bit. All summer I helped the Scoobies and I watched her. Then one day I come over ta the Summer home and I see Buffy comin' down the stairs. At first I thought it was the bot, but then I realized my mistake. It was Buffy. I wanted to breakdown right there. It was Red and her magicks that brought Buffy back ta me, ta everyone. Magic has consequences though. I had been at the brute end of some ta know. Most caused by Red herself.  
  
Buffy was friendlier towards me after she came back. Came from heaven instead of Hell like everyone thought. I thought that Red would 'ave at least checked where she was before doin' a spell like that. But she didn't. And I was there.  
  
I was there ta pick up the sharp pieces because I loved her. Her being there was enough for me. It was very poof like. I could believe what I was thinkin'. Me, the slayer of slayers, the Scourge of Europe, a bloody black plague to anyone who got in my way, was actually glad that a slayer was alive. Funny how much people change.  
  
Sure I knew vampires changed some. People all change in general. But so much was never foreseen, specially not the fact I'd be the slayer's whippin' boy. Talkin' 'bout tiny lil' pieces and such, 's disgusting is what it is. Part of me wants ta go outside and what for the sun ta come out. Who would have thought that Spike, William the sodding Bloody, would be this big of a poofter. Sodden git is what I've been reduced ta. 'S despicable!  
  
Or so I thought in the beginning. Then she came around. Well not really around, but sorta. Gave me that tiny piece I was searchin' for. Thought that maybe it wouldn't be so bad. Right! Like I said, ''m not a thinker. Didn't anticipate the usin'. Didn't anticipate feelin' like someone ripped my heart out and did the Macarana on it. What the bleeding hell the Macarana is I don't know. Heard the metaphor used once so 'm gonna go wif' it.  
  
We shagged like bunnies and over the course of the time there were actual conversations. We went at it everywhere. The Bronze, the alley behind her job, the cemetery, my crypt, the tree in her front yard tons of places. It was all great for me, but for her it was 'bout feelin' somethin' she couldn't. I thought that maybe she would come around and see that thins' were gonna be great.  
  
No that one's stubborn. Captain Cardboard comes and she sees that she wants his life so she breaks it off. Not that she wasn't done that before, but this time was different. She stayed away.  
  
So it left a void to say the least. Then I did that thing that I can't even mention wifout wantin' ta throw up and kill myself even dead.-er. Again I sound like her. 'S really annoyin'. So the soul was my only choice. Yeah right! Why couldn't I just stay gone?  
  
Which time?  
  
Stop thinkin' like that! I could 'ave left on my own free will. Okay so thas' a lie. I could never leave and sometimes I wonder if maybe thas' the problem. So I left to get the soul and came back crazy. Totally daft really. Goin' on an' on 'bout tryin' ta cut it out. I was a loon. No wonder she was scared of me at firs'. But then time went on and I was livin' at the Whelps. That was definitely a step up.  
  
Right! Stupid Firs' of all Evil. Who the bloody hell does that wanker think he is. Triggerin' me ta kill people. But she was there all the way. Tellin' me she knew I could be a good man. Givin' me bloody hope. The only thin' that kept me goin' when I was captured by the Firs' was her.  
  
Then Robin Wood comes inta the picture. Stupid git wif' his bloody vendettas! Who does he think he is? And she went out wif' the wanker! How I could forgive her for that is totally beyond me. Must 'ave been 'cause I gave her that whole 'No White Picket Fences' speech. You think the bint could tell when 'm lyin' by now. After how many years an' she still can't tell the difference.  
  
S'not like 'm the best liar in the world. Prolly the worst in fact. But 'm over it. If the git looks at me funny anymore I'll kill him. 'M content wif' that knowledge now that I really can kill him. Stupid initiative wankers! Who do they think they are? Put a chip in your head, make you neutered and then 'ave it malfunction. Leas' they had the decency ta take it out. Free of charge in fact.  
  
So the new Big Bad got bigger and thins' got rougher and time went by. That Faith bitch came. Oh she was a really hoot. Kickin' Buffy out of her own house. Who does she think she is? Who do any of them think they are? The poor Slayer was all alone and vulnerable. Vamps could 'ave jus' come in wifout an invite.  
  
She was so fragile that night. And then I said my words. Sounded too much like William for my likin', but it cheered her up. Well actually 'm not really sure how that worked. Called her a helluva woman though. Which she is. Totally and completely. Jus' William is jus' too much of a hopeless bloody Victorian poet and 's a bugger is all.  
  
And what's wrong wif' that?  
  
God I swear sometimes I don't know what 'm thinkin'. Might wanna check out one of those schizophrenic clinics and ask for help. He always hasta put his two cents in. Great now 'm talkin' 'bout him in the second person. He's me you dumbass! Anyway I was thinkin' 'bout that night. Wasn't two long ago. Jus' two nights I think. It was definitely one of my better nights.  
  
And I was jus' holdin' her! It was so intimate though. Feelin' her so close to me. So warm, so delicate, so bloody perfect. Jus' starin' at her watchin' her sleep and it was the best night of my life. Kissing the top of her head and knowin' it couldn't go any further and I was perfectly content. Well more like terrified as I told her.  
  
And that was another thing entirely. The next night I came back ta Casa de Summers. She was there jus' like I suspected. Took rule over everyone like the leader she is. Got what Caleb was protecting from her and came out a bloody winner with a shiny new weapon. Told her the other night was nothin'. Cold comfort as usual. Called her shirty I believe. Start to leave and what happens. She stops me and calls me shirty! Guess 'm not the best influence, but s'not like she knows what it means.  
  
Tells me that it meant somethin' to her and that I give her strength. Then I tell her I was terrified. What a poof! It was William talkin'. It was a bloody moment of insanity. I actually started talkin' like the git. 'S a good thin' I can trust her not ta tell anyone. Not that anyone would want to hear this being the end of the world.  
  
Asked her if she was there wif' me and she says yes! I ask her what it means and she asks if it has to mean anything. I was stretchin' and I knew it so I backed off. Told her we should go be heroes. Of course I didn't push. 'M a crumb man. A pieces man who takes the lil' parts so of course I took that wif' no questions.  
  
If I knew that being a crumb man would make her kiss Peaches I would 'ave definitely pushed more. How dare she! Who does she think she is? Of course I stay ta find out. He thinks that he can win her over wif' shiny beads. Thinks he's stayin' for the fight. Of course she tells him ta leave.  
  
Can't risk him! Of course not! Not the love of your bloody life! He knows. The Poof knows that somethins' amiss. Vampires and their super senses. So they go inta a discussion and she tells him I'm in her heart! Overjoyed, thas' what I am. Keep in mind she didn't say that she loved me, but like I said, crumbs here.  
  
He acts like a complete idiot ta the whole soul thin'. Serves him right. Then she goes inta some cookie metaphor. 'M not really sure what it was all 'bout but I caught the gist. She wants time ta figure out who she is. Tells him that she thinks 'bout the future, implying that she thinks 'bout being wif' him. 'M still reeling from the heart part, but I know enough that she'll be going home soon so I run home. She's like clockwork that one. I just knew she'd be going to see me.  
  
When she comes down the stairs to the basement I'm hittin' a punchin' bag. The whole she kissed him thin' doesn't escape me and I need to vent.  
  
"Where's tall dark and forehead?" I said harshly.  
  
"Let me guess, you can smell him on me."  
  
"Yeah that and I also used my super-enhanced vampire eyeballs ta watch you kissing him." There was silent moment where I jus' looked at her to try and find the truth.  
  
"It was. a. hello."  
  
A hello she says. Right!  
  
"Most people don't use their tongues ta say hello or well I guess they do."  
  
"There were no tongues. Besides he's gone."  
  
"Oh jus' popped by for a quickie then." I don't know where my tongue goes sometimes.  
  
"Good, good haven't had quite enough jealous vampire crap."  
  
"He wears lifts you know." She walked over ta my punching bag, which had a picture that was s'posed ta resemble the poof at the top and let out a sigh well I went ta my duster and searched for some cigarettes.  
  
"You know one of these days I'm just going to put you two in a room and let you wrassle it out." "  
  
No quarreling on this end." I said throwing down the empty cigarette box. No fags when you need them.  
  
"There could be oil of some kind involved."  
  
Ignoring her pun I said, "Where's the trinket."  
  
"The Who-ket?"  
  
God she really can be dumber then a post sometimes. Where did she learn how to talk? "  
  
The pretty necklace your sweetie bear gave you. The one with all the power. I believe it's mine now."  
  
"How do you figure?"  
  
Geez I thought it would be pretty obvious.  
  
"Someone wif' a soul, but more then human. Angel was meant ta wear it, that means I'm the qualified body."  
  
"It's volatile. We don't know nearly."  
  
"You'll be needin' someone strong ta bare it then. You planin' on giving it ta Andrew." I said holding out my hand waitin' for her ta give it ta me.  
  
She looked down at it and said, "Angel said the amulet was meant to be worn by a champion." I tried not ta look too sad of course that was hard. She jus' put me down and said that Angel said. What the bloody hell do I care 'bout what Angel said.  
  
Then she walked over ta me and handed me the amulet. The awe in my eyes was comin' in waves. I felt like there should 'ave been some sort of dramatic music playin' in the background.  
  
"Been called a lot of thins' in my time."  
  
She looked down at her hands and said, "Faith still has my room." In a low whisper.  
  
Well how dare she think I was gonna let her stay wif' me after the whole Angel thin'.  
  
"Well you're not stayin' 'ere. You think that you can by me off with shiny beads and sweet talk. You've got Angel-breath. I'm not jus' gonna let you whack me back and forth like a rubber ball. I've got m'pride you know."  
  
"I understand." She said walkin' away. God can she never tell when 'm lyin'.  
  
I ran in front of her and said, "Clearly you don't because the whole havin' m'pride thin' was jus' a smoke screen."  
  
"Oh thank god." She said sighing. I let out a relieved sigh as well even though I didn't need ta.  
  
"I don't know what I would 'ave done if you would 'ave walked up those stairs." She reached her hand up and caressed my cheek.  
  
Then there was sleep. 'M pretty sure that I fell asleep before her. I don't think she even went ta sleep that night. It was pretty late when I woke up from my nightmare.  
  
"'M drownin' in footwear." I said in my sleep and then woke up, "That was a weird dream. Buffy. There something wrong?" I looked around ta see Buffy standin' next to the window wif' a deep thought confused look on her face.  
  
"No, yeah. I just realized something. Something that never really occurred to me before. We're gonna win."  
  
Now for me hearin' that was kinda weird. Usually Buffy is very confident and knows that she's gonna win. I wanted ta say 'You're just barely realizing that', but I knew that that shifty lil' brain of hers was workin' on a plan ta do somethin'. She went over her plan wif' me and then told the rest of the Scoobies. God did she look like a good leader all confident and mighty when she was tellin' the potentials what the plan was.  
  
After being there for the big speech I went down ta the basement ta think. The plan was a lot ta take in. Buffy wanted ta make all the potential slayers Slayers. She wanted ta open the seal and defeat the Firs' now instead of waitin'. Then there was the amulet ta think 'bout. No one had any clue as ta what it did. Still don't as I stand 'ere and think back on it all. Everyone was up an' couldn't sleep. It was a big fight tomorrow. Everyone was off doin' there own thin'. I was sittin' on the cot that was givin' ta me as a bed lookin' at the amulet when she walked in.  
  
Like I said she was predictable. Come ta me when she was havin' a problem, only this time thins' were different. This time might have been the last. I got up and walked towards her and she walked towards me. It was like in all those stupid bloody romantic movies.  
  
"So." She said. There was somethin' clearly on her mind, but what I couldn't tell. Prolly jus' thinkin' 'bout the fight tomorrow.  
  
"So why you down 'ere luv. Shouldn't you be upstairs not sleepin' like the rest." We were close ta each other now. My hands were wrapped around her waist and her hands were wrapped around mine.  
  
"I couldn't sleep and they're all too jittery."  
  
"So decided ta come down 'ere wif' someone who you could talk too." I said wif' my hands absently runnin' through her hair.  
  
"Talking is overrated." She said crushing her lips against mine. Yes tonight was definitely 'bout desperation. So this is what she wants and hey 'm very ready ta give it ta her.  
  
No words, jus' feelin's thas' what this is 'bout, but 's the end of the world so I can't hold it against her. I don't need ta hear her say those three magic words. She was there wif' me and not upstairs wif' anyone else. What more could I ask for. 'M the one who gets the last chance ta touch her to feel her wither below me as her face twists in ecstasy. 'M the one who gets ta be there the night 'fore the final battle where no one is sure if they'll live.  
  
She pushes me onta the cot and starts ta take off my clothes. Her hands are shakin' and I know what she's thinkin' 'bout. She's scared. More then scared, she's frightened. So I help her. We're takin' it nice and slow. There's no reason for thins' ta be rushed. We have until tomorrow mornin' and then 's off ta fight. Right now 's time ta savor every moment of this.  
  
'S an eternity 'fore we're both naked. She's lyin' underneath me and I gaze inta her eyes. Her eyes always gave way ta what she was thinkin'. I remember when she rescued me from the Firs'. The look that she gave me, tellin' me that I was safe now. I also remember when I saw her on her stairs when she firs' came back. Or that time on her porch when she found out her mum was sick. Her eyes shown with gratitude and confusion then. How she looked so sad and upset and I was only there ta kill her, but of course I couldn't. Her eyes always give her away. I definitely see wanting and desperation and fear.  
  
Then there's one thin' that I can't quite make out. 'S like it wants ta come out, but can't. Somethin' akin ta compassion or somethin' of that sort. And awe. There's always awe. I bend down and crush her lips against mine. It never really gets old. The kissin' and the shaggin' are always new ta me. Take me ta new heights. I slowly push inside of her and we were off. Both of us had super human strength and were bound ta go all night.  
  
Firs' it was slow, like it should be. Almost as if we were making love, but I knew she didn't think we were. I always thought we were. No matter if it was fast and hard or slow and languid ta me it was always making love. Of course neither of us could keep it slow. This night was 'bout lasts like I said before. So it became faster, each thrust harder then the last until both of us were finally spent. We stayed like how we were me on top of her and her beneath me, for a good five minutes after. I was jus' studyin' her face and she was studyin' mine both of us not sure what we were lookin' for.  
  
Finally she spoke, "I don't want to go into battle." She said in her low voice breaking a lil'.  
  
"'S what you do pet. 'S what we all do. We're heroes remember."  
  
"Yeah, but I still think there must be a different way."  
  
"Well there innit a different way."  
  
"It just seems so risky."  
  
I looked at her again. I didn't see the Slayer or even the women I fell in love wif'. I saw a frightened lil' girl. In all my time around Buffy I had only seen her like this once. That Halloween when everyone turned inta their costumes. She looked so scared, confused and unsure of herself then because she didn't know she was the Slayer. Thought she was a girl from back in Peaches time. Thas' how she looked now.  
  
I rolled us over so that she was lying on top of me and pulled the blanket over her. In all our time together Buffy was never one for post coital cuddling so I wasn't sure how this all worked. The deep meaningful conversations after sex weren't s'actly my strong suit and I didn't want ta frighten her even more. She wasn't though. She even cuddled closer too my chest her right thumbnail in her mouth and her left arm around my neck. I placed my arms around her gingerly placing them on the small of her back.  
  
"The only thin' I can think of ta say is that it is risky, but 's what we do."  
  
"Where's the beautiful words. You were better at this two nights ago."  
  
"You want me ta say that everythin'll turn out fine. I can't do that, luv. I can only say that I'll back you up until the end. Mine or yours."  
  
"It'll probably be mine. Spike you're a vampire. It'll take a whole lot to kill you." "True nothin' that those bugger Turok-Hans 'ave, but that still leaves the mystical necklace over there." I said pointin' to the amulet that had been discarded on the floor during our struggle ta get ta each other.  
  
"Worried about the amulet. Because you don't have to wear it. I could."  
  
"No 's my task besides fightin' the fight."  
  
"Okay, but I still can't help but think that this is wrong. Girls are going to die."  
  
"Well luv they're gonna die if you sit back and do nothin'. This is it. This is the fight that they've been waitin' for. If we don't stop this now then they might as well sit back and die."  
  
"I know but."  
  
"Buffy why don't you get ta whas' really botherin' you." I said knowin' she needed a push in the right direction. She was never one ta admit her feelin's.  
  
"I don't want to die." She said in a whisper that I wouldn't 'ave heard if it weren't for the super vampire hearin'.  
  
"Buffy, 'm not gonna let you die." I said ta her.  
  
"I don't want anyone to die. I tried to send away Dawn and Xander, but Dawn came back. She wants in on this fight."  
  
"She's stubborn like her sis." She glared at me through her hair.  
  
"I just don't want any of us to get hurt. I don't want Xander or Willow or Giles or Dawn or Anya or even Faith to get hurt. I don't want the potentials or Andrew or Robin or just anyone to get hurt." She said. I was a lil' angry that she didn't say me, but I kept it at bay.  
  
"Most of all I don't want you to get hurt feeling that you have to wear that stupid amulet." I was speechless which is always a new for me.  
  
"Spike?" I cleared my throat and moved one hand to her hair.  
  
"Buffy this is what 'm s'posed ta do. Don't worry 'bout me pet. I'll be fine and so will the Scoobies an' the potentials. Most of all you'll be fine 'cause 'm not gonna let any nastie hurt you."  
  
"Okay." She said and soon I could tell that she was sleeping. I listened ta her even breath for awhile before I too passed out.  
  
Thas' how I woke up. Wif' her still there. It was another new for me, but I knew that in a cuppla minutes we would 'ave ta get out of our lil' world an' save the real one. She was still asleep when I woke up, so I shook her a lil'.  
  
"Buffy." I said. I felt her stir a bit before she fully woke up yawning.  
  
"Hey good morning."  
  
"Mornin' luv."  
  
"Is it time to save the world?"  
  
"Almost. Everyone's up or still up. 'M not quite sure. I can hear them upstairs. We might want ta make an appearance."  
  
"Yeah I think we should."  
  
"Do they know you're down 'ere."  
  
"I'm pretty sure they do. It's not like I announced it to the whole house, but they probably know."  
  
"Well then we won't be shocking anyone. So come on let's go be heroes."  
  
"Is that your new catch phrase?"  
  
"Maybe 's kinda cool."  
  
"Spike just said cool. Yup there is definitely an apocalypse coming." She said gettin' up and startin' ta get dressed.  
  
"Well we knew that, pet. That lil' bit of information jus' reinforced it." I said gettin' up ta get dressed as well.  
  
We dressed in silence. Not wantin' ta ruin the moment. Not wantin' ta think 'bout what was round the bend. It was better ta think that this was jus' a normal day. Well for Buffy averting an apocalypse is a normal day in the life of the slayer. The silence was broken when we were both dressed.  
  
"I think I'll change into something else when I get to my room." She said looking at her wrinkled clothes.  
  
"Yeah well nothin' too flashy. We are gonna save the world later." I said.  
  
"Oh I guess wearing the same thing over and over again is better." She said looking at my clothes. Basic black everything as always with combat boots and leather duster.  
  
"'S fightin' wear." I said simply.  
  
"Yeah whatever. It's plain. What happened to all those clothes you wore when you first. got back," she said. I knew she was referrin' ta the soul.  
  
"They're all dirty. 'Sides these clothes are easier ta fight in."  
  
"Whatever you say."  
  
There was silence. "We better get going." She said.  
  
"Yeah." I said. Both of us took a deep breath.  
  
"This innit gonna be hard. Lets jus' get it over wif' and then we can come back and 'ave the apocalypse averted party."  
  
"Yeah not hard at all." She said.  
  
"After you." I said pointin' ta the stairs.  
  
"Yeah okay. Let's go be heroes." She said walkin' up the stairs.  
  
All I could do was smile.  
  
So thas' how I got 'ere. Jus' in case anyone was at all interested. I guess I've always been a sucker for a pretty girl. I was drawn 'ere 'cause of Dru ta help her get better, but I stayed for Buffy. Love's Bitch and I wouldn't 'ave it any other way.  
  
"I love you." She said ta me.  
  
Oh maybe I should clarify the battle a lil' bit. We won or at leas' we're winnin'.  
  
Buffy was down for a lil' while, but she got back up. The amulet started ta do this burn thin' and all of a sudden the mystical energy created a whole in the ceiling killin' all the bloody Turok-Hans. The potential slayers or I should say slayers ran out. Willow's spell worked! The shock shouldn't be there, but it is. I've seen them work, but this was big time. She didn't go evil like I heard she did before.  
  
The amulet is piercing ta my soul and I can actually feel it. The soul I mean. I knew it was there, but I couldn't ever feel it. It stings a bit, but s'not the worst pain in the world. So 'm standin' 'ere tryin' ta do the hero thin' and see how it all ends, but Buffy won't leave. I tell her too, but she is one of the most stubborn people I've ever met. 'M tryin' to focus on the amulet and not look at her. I told her that I would protect her 'til the end and thas' what 'm gonna do.  
  
I feel her hand grasp mine and fire burst at our hands, but it doesn't burn. 'S actually a nice feelin'. I look in her eyes and I see somethin' I've never seen. Love. I can see it clear as day and I can feel it too. I can feel her soul and I know she can feel mine and 's over powering. Her soul is filled with such love and compassion and basically all that is good. I don't know 'bout mine, but I know 'bout hers. And thas' when she says it.  
  
"I love you." And I know she's tellin' the truth. Maybe not as much as she loved Peaches, but she really does love me. I know a thin' or two 'bout love and what happens when 's gone. I can't let her or myself believe that 's real. It would hurt both of too much. 'M dyin' 'ere and she'll never be wif' me and I'll never be wif' her. I heard the story 'bout how she ran away after Peaches died and I can't do that ta her.  
  
"No you don't, but thanks for saying it." She looks at me wif' love and amazement, but then our hands break apart and she looks scared. The amulet must 'ave let that lil' soul bearin' thin' happen.  
  
"Now go." She listens ta me this time.  
  
"I wanna see how it ends." I tell her as she runs up the stairs.  
  
So here's where the story ends. She gets ta live her life like a normal person and I die savin' her jus' like it should be. So maybe I don't get the cookies. 'S funny that she used that metaphor considerin' all those years ago when Red's will it so spell went haywire and made us think that we were gettin' married I asked for a cookie. The witch was goin' on a bakin' binge ta show how sorry she was. It was cookies for everyone except me. I asked Buffy said no and then I humiliated her in front of her friends. Red gave me one ta shut me up. I still got that cookie. And maybe this time I did too. I mean if I had ta wait 'til she was ready that could 'ave taken forever. I've never been big on the patience thin'. It gets ta me some times. Wif' the here and now I got the crumbs. I got the piece of her that were already ready and I couldn't ask for more. So I don't get the whole cookie, I know that right now 'm dyin' ta save that cookie. I get the cookies that weren't s'actly up ta par, but for me they always maybe. Peaches might get the cookie in the end, but I'll be the one who got the crumbs. I got ta touch a part of her that he'll never get ta touch.  
  
Maybe 'm not her soulmate. Maybe we weren't meant ta 'ave that special mind body soul connection. I definitely had her body and her mind, but the soul part was only somethin' I had jus' for a second in the end. I'll always 'ave her heart. I'll be in there poundin' away and forcin' her ta live even if it kills her. I'll be the one forcin' her ta go on and live a normal life like a normal girl. 'M important and I know it. 'M in there. I'll be wif' her in everythin' she does wishin' I could yell at her when she does somethin' stupid. Wherever I go, heaven or hell, I'll always be alive 'cause I'll always be wif' her. Wif' her and the bit. Always.  
  
It's funny now that I think 'bout it. I came inta her life, well wantin' ta kill her, but after that it was ta help her safe the world. Now 'm goin' outta her life the same way. Savin' the world. 'S laugh worthy really. I always tried ta save her from her and 'ere I am doin' s'actly that wif' my crumbs in hand. Who really wants cookies when the crumbs are so much better? She's made me a much better man then I thought I could be. Her crumbs are enough for me. I told you 'm a crumb man. I thought I changed so much, but it turns out 'm the same Spike from before. The same from when I was the Big Bad till now. I was always Love's Bitch and I was always helpin' her.  
  
I guess people don't change that much.  
  
A/N: So whattcha think? Did I capture the true essence that is Spike? I tried my best with the first person. It's my first time doing anything like that. Tell me what you think. I love reviews good or bad. Helps me with the things that I'm doing wrong. Just push that little submit review button and go crazy. 


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